Holidays Can Be Hard When You’re Not Expecting
My Holiday Survival Guide
My Instagram goes through phases. Five years ago it was travel photos and drinking. Two years ago it was engagements and weddings. Last year my phone has exploded with ultrasounds, baby bumps and birth announcements. I’ve lost count of how many Halloween costumes and Santa photos I’ve seen these past few months. This customary photo proudly displayed on fridges across Canada is a source of happiness for many. for others, it is a reminder of what they don’t have but so desperately want.
If you are someone struggling with infertility, the holidays can bring a lot of sadness and doubt during a time meant to be joyful. Many people who struggle with infertility often find themselves isolated, and in need of a serious digital detox during the holidays. Finding positive ways to cope can help you make the most of the holiday season, and also allow you to also partake in this wonderful time of year.
My Struggles With Infertility
December 2019 was a very difficult month for me. We had just completed another failed round of letrozole with our fertility clinic. We had been trying for almost 6 months and I was starting to feel hopeless about ever conceiving. Being in our early 30s and having been married for over two years, I was constantly asked when we were having kids. Each question was a gut punch followed by a nervous laugh and an awkward answer. When we first started trying, I envisioned Christmas as the perfect opportunity to tell our family that we were pregnant. I truly feel for anyone who is going through infertility during the holiday season, it is really hard and emotional.
The holiday party: Do you go? Do you stay?
This is entirely about what feels comfortable to you. What works for one person going through fertility treatments will not be the same for the person sitting across from you in the waiting room. If you prefer to mingle with adults, think about when children are likely to be present and plan accordingly. If the party is during the day, most babies and toddlers take an afternoon nap after lunch. If you are not comfortable being around children, show up around 1 pm and leave early. The same for evening parties; most parents need to be home for a 7 pm bedtime, so feel confident being fashionably late.
On the contrary, if being around friends and family and their little ones bring you joy, soak up these precious moments together. A true friend will also understand if you simply cannot attend. If parties are too much for you, reach out to friends personally and plan to meet them one on one. You can also recommend activities that are less likely to involve children, such as visiting the Toronto Christmas Market at night.
The questions: When are you having kids? Why don’t you have kids yet? Planning on having a sibling for Sally this year?
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. First off, does anyone really ever know when they are going to have kids? Pregnancy is truly a miracle and not something you can exactly plan. Secondly, it is none of your business! I was recently told I should stop focusing too much on my career and spend more time making babies…I quickly changed the subject.
I realize most people ask out of excitement and good intentions, this question can be crushing for many. So how do you answer when it comes up at the office holiday party or your family Christmas dinner?
- Laugh it off and change the subject
- Say we’re not sure, smile politely, and quickly change the subject
- Give a short explanation of your current struggles (if comfortable) and change the subject
- Tell them it’s a very personal question….wait for their awkward response…and change the subject
Practice self-care
Prioritize yourself this December. Do not feel guilty about saying no to events or invitations you’re not comfortable with. You don’t need to attend every single holiday event, especially if it’s a trigger. Instead, pick something you enjoy doing alone or with a friend. Book a massage, get your nails done, ice skating outdoors with hot chocolate or skiing. If you feel okay discussing your fertility journey, let the host know why you cannot make it. Offer to come help set up ahead of time, or meet on an entirely different day one on one.
Spread joy to others
Volunteering for a worthy cause is an easy way to bring back that warm and fuzzy feeling inside your heart. Organize a food bank donation at your office, order a used clothing donation box from the Canadian Diabetes Association, or assemble Kits for a Cause for a local charity in need. This can have an incredibly positive impact on your mental health and wellbeing, all the while helping those desperately in need around you.
If you’re looking for additional support during this time, I recommend connecting with a counsellor in the GTA who specializes in fertility care. I have several great options linked at the bottom of the page HERE.
Wishing you health, happiness and a #BFP this holiday season, be sure to check out my latest Facebook Video for more great tips.
